For the first time in 12 weeks...

I have so much catching up to do.  Austin has been asking me to post his 12 week crib notes, and we had a big week in Jackson.  However, tonight, I can't put pen to paper so to speak. 

For the first time, Austin is going to daycare tomorrow.  For the first time in 12 weeks, Austin will be away from my arms.  For the first time in 12 weeks, I have to trust someone else to understand his cries and attend to his needs.  For the first time in 12 weeks, I can do what I have been wishing- take a shower, take a nap, read email, make a phone call, eat lunch, make a quick run to the store - without worrying about Austin's schedule.  For the first time in 12 weeks, I realize I have been wishing for the wrong things.  I don't want to do any of those things if it means Austin is somewhere else.  For the first time in 12 weeks, I think my heart will break instead of melt.

When I told a coworker whose first child was recently born that I was pregnant, he told me to get ready to hate my job.  I thought I understood what he meant.  I didn't understand it until today.  Today, for the first time, I hate my job.

I know this is a necessary evil, and I believe that Austin is in the best possible daycare we could find.  Fran is wonderful, but she isn't mom.  She has years of experience on me, but I know my baby better than anyone.  And I wonder how anyone can do the job I do when there are 4 other children to care for.  I can't get it all done with only one baby at home.  And I wonder what I'm going to miss.  He is getting ready to start sitting up, reach out for his toys, grab onto things.  I want to see these things first.  I want to save all those precious little smiles for me and daddy.  I want more than a few hours at home in the evening to enjoy him.  Tonight, I want to hold onto him and never let him grow up.

I'm sure Austin will be fine tomorrow, but I am not so sure about me.